I just finished reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I have just turned 47. I am attempting to place on my normal perky, jovial face for the world but inside I am a total mix up.
This book made me realize that I'm not alone in this world, at all. For almost forever this book keeps me companion, comforted, and help me to face my problems with alcohol. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.
It was really odd that I never drank when I was in high school Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. Thus started my adventure into episodic drinking and consequent terrible conduct - running from power outages, to awful aftereffects to unseemly sexual exercises.
With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.
I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.
Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.
After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
We made our wine so there was always so much available and so I began the habit of opening a bottle every night. Without anyone's knowledge, I would make myself a drink after which I would place the glasses where no one would look for them.
After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.
But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.
I was content at this high point in my life. The affair was getting dangerously near to crossing over the sexual line and he retreated. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.
My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.
Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. The drunken episodes:
This is my recovery... having my self in counselling, reading Ann's book, discovering this website, find out people with similar stories and read theirs. I feel that I finally got straight, ready to come home.